Time to Wean

Dear Matteo,

Tonight was the first night that I was able to put you to sleep without breastfeeding. I knew you wanted to, since you're used to falling asleep at the boob, but I was surprised when you didn't protest much. You just grasped at my shirt, but when I said "bye bye milk," you said "bye bye milk" too. You kept on trying and grasping at my shirt until you finally fell asleep on your own. I'm both happy and sad about it, because I know you're growing fast and pretty soon, you wouldn't be so dependent on my anymore. In fact, I see you becoming more and more independent each day. I'm so proud of the person that you're growing up to be! You are such a kind, happy, and polite little boy (who sometimes tests our limits, but adorable nonetheless), and I am so happy and thankful to be your mommy. I know that there are times that I lose my patience, but your daddy always reminds me that we are lucky to have you because you bring so much joy and happiness to our lives, and I couldn't agree more.

You'll be 2 years and 8 months old tomorrow, and pretty soon, you'll be three! It seemed like it was just a few weeks ago that we celebrated your second birthday in Hong Kong - but I'm looking forward to celebrating your birthday again. You love to blow candles now, so it will be the first time that you'll get to blow your own birthday cake. I don't know what we'll do on your birthday yet, but I promise that I'll do my best to make it fun for you. 

You speak in sentences these days, and I'm amazed at how much you're learning everyday that I can't seem to keep track anymore. You have memorized the alphabet song, and other songs too (London Bridge is Falling Down is currently your favorite). I don't know why, but you love watching Halloween videos on YouTube. You always sing and dance, even when it's bedtime and all the lights are off. You know your name and can even spell it (with an extra T), and you know mommy's and daddy's names too. You love running around and swimming, and just yesterday, you jumped in the pool in your PJs! You don't like it when I take videos of you anymore, which makes it harder for me to document your cute antics. You smile first thing in the morning and it always makes my day. It's still hard to make you try new kinds of food but pesto is still your favorite. You rarely have meat but still have dairy, and I'm working on completely taking it out of your diet because I want you to develop good habits when it comes to your health. I've been successful in making you eat cauliflower and tofu, so that's a win for me!

We have been living in Cambodia for almost three months, but we're going back to visit the Philippines five days from now. I'm a bit anxious because this is the first time that we'll be travelling together without anyone else accompanying us, and we have a 6-hour layover in Singapore. I'm praying that you'll sleep through it, or at least be a little bit easier to manage. Daddy's going to miss you, but I told him that three weeks isn't too long and that he should enjoy the free time. 

It's 11:23 PM, and it's time for me to sleep. I'm hoping that I will have the willpower to refuse you when you ask for milk tomorrow. haha.

Love you always,

Mommy

Terrific Twos

Dear Matteo,

It's been two months since you turned two, and my gosh, have you got my hands full! I can't let you out of my sight because you want to climb on everything! I wish I could stop you from getting hurt, but I know that it's impossible. And I know that no matter how hard it is for me, I have to let you experience things because that's how you'll learn to navigate through life. Admittedly though, I need reminding sometimes. I guess it's natural for parents to want to do things for their children and to make life  easier for them. I hope that when you're old enough to understand, you'll be patient with me and not be too annoyed if I meddle too much in your affairs 😆I just came across this post, and I'm writing this down here as a note to myself: 

"Give your teen permission to struggle knowing that your love for them will never change."

Your teenage years are more than a decade away, but I know that you'll be going through some rough spots even before then, so I just want you to know that I will be present for you in however way you need me to. 

Honestly, I sometimes get overwhelmed with the thought that I'm raising another human being, and I often question myself if I'm doing the right thing. I feel guilty because I let you have way more screen time than is appropriate, but it's the only way that I can make you sit on one place so that I can cook and do other stuff. Although I've succeeded in keeping you away from candy (though I've let you have some chocolate from time to time), I still let you eat fried chicken and McDonald's. It's becoming more and more difficult to make you try different kinds of food, but I'm thankful that you love to eat pasta (specifically pesto, especially when it's from Starbucks 😁) and fruits (you can eat a whole kilo of oranges if I'd let you). 

You learn new words everyday, and I'm amazed by how much you know now. I remember being so happy when you said the word "bus" when we were in Australia. That was only four months ago, and now you know the letters of the alphabet (you even try to sing the song), count from 1 to 10, some colors, and identify the shapes. You've learned to say mommy and daddy and say your name (Teo), and lately, you've even started saying some phrases like "what happened (when the video you're watching pauses or stops)," and "so fun" (when you're being hyperactive and all you want to do is jump and run around). You love playing with your toy vehicles, and you readily imitate the sound of sirens whenever we see police cars and ambulances on the road. I love hearing you shout "fire truck!" whenever you see one in those Youtube videos you constantly watch.

You've also started play school, and I'm glad to see that it has helped you become more open to other people. I still get anxious leaving you by yourself for three hours, three times a week, but I know that socializing with other kids is great for your development. What I don't like is that you've been getting sick more frequently, and have been absent for close to two weeks because of a nasty respiratory infection. 

Recently, you've been doing this cute face which makes me laugh out loud every time, and is probably why you keep on doing it.

You are so adorable and it makes me wish that you'd stay this way, but I'm looking forward to having real conversations with you, too. I'm excited to be able to go out with you, just the two of us, when you can finally understand that you can't just run from me when we're outside because it's not safe. For now, I will cherish every moment that I have with you, even if you're so makulit that I get frustrated at times.

We decided not to have a party this year, so we went to Hong Kong instead. The weather was bad - sometimes it was too hot and humid, while it was raining the other days, like the day we went to Disneyland. I think you had a bit of fun though, but I hope that the next time we travel, we'll have more fun (and I'll make sure the weather is nice, promise!). 

To celebrate your second birthday, I made this video for you. It was so hard to choose what photos and videos to include because I have at least a thousand photos of you for the past two years, but I did my best 😉Here's to celebrating more birthdays with you, my love! 🎂

Bedtime

Dear Matteo,

You just fell asleep, and I'm typing this on my phone because I don't want to move you from my chest just yet. Sleeping on my chest, with your ear pressed to my heart, was your favorite position when you were a baby. We couldn't put you down when you slept because you would wake up every time, so it meant letting you sleep like that for 3 hours or more until you woke up to feed. It was just two years ago, but I barely remember those moments now...how difficult it was to eat or even pee. I'm still glad I got to experience that, and even though it's so much easier to move around now, I kind of miss you being that small and delicate. Plus, it gave me the excuse to binge watch all the shows and movies that I wanted, since I stayed in bed with you all day 😂

I guess I'm feeling just a bit nostalgic because you turned two this month, and it's only a matter of time before you're too big to sleep on my chest like you did tonight. You will always be my baby boy though, even when you grow taller and bigger than me. 💙

You Called Me Mommy!

Dear Matteo,

It's been a while since I wrote, and I know I should do it more often, but it seems that I'm always too tired at the end of the day. However, I couldn't let today pass without writing here because we achieved a major milestone! Tonight, while you were playing with your toy cars and trucks, and I was following you around the room trying to make you finish your dinner, you said MOMMY out of the blue! I was so surprised yet ecstatic because your dad and I have been trying for months to make you say it, and you just didn't seem ready to. You finally said it without any prodding or prompting from me, and I hope I never forget this moment, and the happiness that I feel right now. I guess this is one of those instances why people say parenthood is rewarding. I never thought that hearing you utter that one word could make me feel so complete and fulfilled. 

At A Crossroads, and Reinventing Oneself

Dear Matteo,

You're almost 17 months old! I know, I'm not writing as much as I should, but you have become so rambunctious lately! Although it gets tiring, I have also never laughed as much as before I had you. Your dance moves never get old, and your laugh is as infectious as ever. You've been so active that it has been our routine to take a walk outside in the morning when we wake up, and also in the afternoon when the sun has gone down enough that the heat is a bit bearable. I let you walk and run  to your heart's content, in the hopes that you'll be tired enough to make bedtime a stress-free event for the both of us. Luckily for me, it has become easier and easier to put you to bed (though part of the credit goes to Bath & Body for their Lavender and Vanilla scented oil :P).

Honestly though, I'm at a crossroads. Lately, I've been feeling unproductive and restless, and I attribute this to the fact that it's been 1 year and 2 months since I left work. Don't get me wrong - I love staying home and taking care of you, and witnessing your milestones. I just miss the hustle and bustle of working life, and even the stress that comes with it. 

This got me thinking though. We are so lucky to be able to live in a technologically advanced and fast-paced world, that almost anything is impossible. Sure, it is logistically difficult for me to travel and physically go to work, but I realized that being at home gives me the freedom that I need to reinvent myself and discover opportunities that I would have otherwise ignored if I had stayed in my job. When I left my previous role, it was scary and daunting to think of what I would do next. Would I lose myself bit by bit by becoming a stay-at-home mom? Would I be unhappy and unsatisfied with the path that I have taken? I still ask those questions sometimes, but the challenge for me is not to remain stagnant, and to still learn whatever it is I can learn so that I retain the skills and knowledge that I have, and continue to grow despite not having an actual career at the moment.

Because of those questions, I did the next best thing - look for a job online. I got a job as an online English teacher and I admit that it's so different from what I used to do, but it's something that is interesting and that I enjoy doing. Being able to interact with people from other countries, learning about them, and sharing some things about myself is refreshing and breaks the monotony of doing housework all day. Right now, I'm so excited at the prospect of discovering other roles that I can be good at. I'm even considering a job in writing, because I have always loved writing but was too unsure of myself...but if there's one thing I realized in the past 10 or so years, you can never really achieve something unless you put yourself out there. Yes, failing is always a possibility, but succeeding is too. It's also about learning to love what you do, and when that doesn't always work (after trying and trying and trying), don't be afraid to look elsewhere and find your passion. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. After all, learning is a never ending process, and something that I hope to teach you in the future is to never stop learning, to never give up, and to continue improving yourself. 

Random Thoughts at 10 PM

Dear Matteo,

I've been having a lot of realizations lately, and I thought I'd share them here with you, in the hopes that you might find it useful 20 to 30 years from now. If not, well, at least you'll get a peek inside the thoughts of your mom when she turned 32. Yes, I turned 32 years old a week ago. There was a time when I loved celebrating my birthday, and it was the only day in the year that I would let myself get really drunk and wasted (post-college and I already had a job so don't get any ideas!).

Fast forward a few years, and although I really am thankful for my life and blessings, I realized that I preferred to celebrate it quietly...so I set my birthdate on Facebook to private and disabled people from posting on my wall. Sure, I got fewer greetings this year, but it was nice finding out who I really mattered to - the people who sent me messages and called me despite not having easy access to my Facebook wall. I don't know if it comes with age or being alone for hours at a time with you for company (which I love), but I find myself caring less about what people think about me. When I remember how I was before, I can't help but think how petty and immature I was. If only I knew then what I know now, then I might have been a better and kinder person.

People Come and Go, and That's Okay

You will meet a lot of people in your life, and what I can tell you is this - you will learn from each and everyone of them. Some of those lessons may be life changing, while some may not be as useful and can be as simple as learning all the books of the bible through song (yes, it was taught to me in grade school and I still remember the song by heart). As a mother, I pray and hope that when those lessons do come, that they won't be very hard, painful truths. Sometimes, those lessons come when people you care the most about leave or do something unforgivable or hurtful that you have no choice but to be the one to let go. I've had to let go of people a few times in my life, and although it was hard to bear, I know that it was for the best. It's better to leave than to risk being hurt over and over again, because you can never be truly happy until you do. It is okay to let go.

It's a Harsh and Cruel World, but It's Also Full of Possibilities and Opportunities

You will come across many difficulties in your life, and I hope that you won't be jaded or disillusioned enough to stop trying, and making it on your own. I am not expecting you to do something so great that you will be known the world over, but I pray that you will be secure enough that even if the world isn't perfect, you will still find a comfortable place in it where you can be happy with yourself and what you have accomplished.

There are people around you who may be less fortunate or who may be going through something really bad, so I hope that you will always be kind and considerate of others' needs. Treat everyone with respect, no matter their stature in life.

Do not be afraid to fail. Humans aren't destined to be perfect. If you fail a test, there's no reason not to try and take it again. Do not be ashamed of failing, and do not care about what other people think. It might sound cheesy, but failing is just an opportunity to learn and try again. Some people are afraid to try because of the possibility of failure, but what they don't know is that with the possibility of failure also comes the possibility of success. So never be afraid to try. Just go and do it. If you really want something bad enough, you will find a way to get it. When you do, I hope that you won't take it for granted and that you'll still be thankful for every opportunity that comes your way.

The thought of bringing you up and ensuring that you turn out to be the kind of person that everyone aspires to honestly overwhelms me. I promise you this though: I will do my best, and I will be the kind of person that I want you to become.

14 Months!

Dear Matteo,

You turned 14 months this September. I can't believe how fast it's all been, and everything has been a blur. I can't even keep track of the days now. You are coming into your own, and it's so great to be able to witness your milestones. You started to walk on your 13th month, and I see how you're enjoying being independent, getting to go where you want to go. Of course I still get mini heart attacks when you fall, but I know that I won't always be able to catch you so I have to let you learn to stand up by yourself when you do. You're a toddler now, and although I know you still need me and look for me all the time, the day will come when other people, other things will take priority. Until then, I will hold you a bit tighter and cherish each moment that I have with you. 

Here's a video of you when you were learning how to walk:

I love you with all my heart, and I thank God each day for you.