At A Crossroads, and Reinventing Oneself

Dear Matteo,

You're almost 17 months old! I know, I'm not writing as much as I should, but you have become so rambunctious lately! Although it gets tiring, I have also never laughed as much as before I had you. Your dance moves never get old, and your laugh is as infectious as ever. You've been so active that it has been our routine to take a walk outside in the morning when we wake up, and also in the afternoon when the sun has gone down enough that the heat is a bit bearable. I let you walk and run  to your heart's content, in the hopes that you'll be tired enough to make bedtime a stress-free event for the both of us. Luckily for me, it has become easier and easier to put you to bed (though part of the credit goes to Bath & Body for their Lavender and Vanilla scented oil :P).

Honestly though, I'm at a crossroads. Lately, I've been feeling unproductive and restless, and I attribute this to the fact that it's been 1 year and 2 months since I left work. Don't get me wrong - I love staying home and taking care of you, and witnessing your milestones. I just miss the hustle and bustle of working life, and even the stress that comes with it. 

This got me thinking though. We are so lucky to be able to live in a technologically advanced and fast-paced world, that almost anything is impossible. Sure, it is logistically difficult for me to travel and physically go to work, but I realized that being at home gives me the freedom that I need to reinvent myself and discover opportunities that I would have otherwise ignored if I had stayed in my job. When I left my previous role, it was scary and daunting to think of what I would do next. Would I lose myself bit by bit by becoming a stay-at-home mom? Would I be unhappy and unsatisfied with the path that I have taken? I still ask those questions sometimes, but the challenge for me is not to remain stagnant, and to still learn whatever it is I can learn so that I retain the skills and knowledge that I have, and continue to grow despite not having an actual career at the moment.

Because of those questions, I did the next best thing - look for a job online. I got a job as an online English teacher and I admit that it's so different from what I used to do, but it's something that is interesting and that I enjoy doing. Being able to interact with people from other countries, learning about them, and sharing some things about myself is refreshing and breaks the monotony of doing housework all day. Right now, I'm so excited at the prospect of discovering other roles that I can be good at. I'm even considering a job in writing, because I have always loved writing but was too unsure of myself...but if there's one thing I realized in the past 10 or so years, you can never really achieve something unless you put yourself out there. Yes, failing is always a possibility, but succeeding is too. It's also about learning to love what you do, and when that doesn't always work (after trying and trying and trying), don't be afraid to look elsewhere and find your passion. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. After all, learning is a never ending process, and something that I hope to teach you in the future is to never stop learning, to never give up, and to continue improving yourself. 

Random Thoughts at 10 PM

Dear Matteo,

I've been having a lot of realizations lately, and I thought I'd share them here with you, in the hopes that you might find it useful 20 to 30 years from now. If not, well, at least you'll get a peek inside the thoughts of your mom when she turned 32. Yes, I turned 32 years old a week ago. There was a time when I loved celebrating my birthday, and it was the only day in the year that I would let myself get really drunk and wasted (post-college and I already had a job so don't get any ideas!).

Fast forward a few years, and although I really am thankful for my life and blessings, I realized that I preferred to celebrate it quietly...so I set my birthdate on Facebook to private and disabled people from posting on my wall. Sure, I got fewer greetings this year, but it was nice finding out who I really mattered to - the people who sent me messages and called me despite not having easy access to my Facebook wall. I don't know if it comes with age or being alone for hours at a time with you for company (which I love), but I find myself caring less about what people think about me. When I remember how I was before, I can't help but think how petty and immature I was. If only I knew then what I know now, then I might have been a better and kinder person.

People Come and Go, and That's Okay

You will meet a lot of people in your life, and what I can tell you is this - you will learn from each and everyone of them. Some of those lessons may be life changing, while some may not be as useful and can be as simple as learning all the books of the bible through song (yes, it was taught to me in grade school and I still remember the song by heart). As a mother, I pray and hope that when those lessons do come, that they won't be very hard, painful truths. Sometimes, those lessons come when people you care the most about leave or do something unforgivable or hurtful that you have no choice but to be the one to let go. I've had to let go of people a few times in my life, and although it was hard to bear, I know that it was for the best. It's better to leave than to risk being hurt over and over again, because you can never be truly happy until you do. It is okay to let go.

It's a Harsh and Cruel World, but It's Also Full of Possibilities and Opportunities

You will come across many difficulties in your life, and I hope that you won't be jaded or disillusioned enough to stop trying, and making it on your own. I am not expecting you to do something so great that you will be known the world over, but I pray that you will be secure enough that even if the world isn't perfect, you will still find a comfortable place in it where you can be happy with yourself and what you have accomplished.

There are people around you who may be less fortunate or who may be going through something really bad, so I hope that you will always be kind and considerate of others' needs. Treat everyone with respect, no matter their stature in life.

Do not be afraid to fail. Humans aren't destined to be perfect. If you fail a test, there's no reason not to try and take it again. Do not be ashamed of failing, and do not care about what other people think. It might sound cheesy, but failing is just an opportunity to learn and try again. Some people are afraid to try because of the possibility of failure, but what they don't know is that with the possibility of failure also comes the possibility of success. So never be afraid to try. Just go and do it. If you really want something bad enough, you will find a way to get it. When you do, I hope that you won't take it for granted and that you'll still be thankful for every opportunity that comes your way.

The thought of bringing you up and ensuring that you turn out to be the kind of person that everyone aspires to honestly overwhelms me. I promise you this though: I will do my best, and I will be the kind of person that I want you to become.

14 Months!

Dear Matteo,

You turned 14 months this September. I can't believe how fast it's all been, and everything has been a blur. I can't even keep track of the days now. You are coming into your own, and it's so great to be able to witness your milestones. You started to walk on your 13th month, and I see how you're enjoying being independent, getting to go where you want to go. Of course I still get mini heart attacks when you fall, but I know that I won't always be able to catch you so I have to let you learn to stand up by yourself when you do. You're a toddler now, and although I know you still need me and look for me all the time, the day will come when other people, other things will take priority. Until then, I will hold you a bit tighter and cherish each moment that I have with you. 

Here's a video of you when you were learning how to walk:

I love you with all my heart, and I thank God each day for you.

1 Year and the Fun is Just Starting!

Dear Matteo,

I can't believe you're one! Time really does fly fast. Although there are moments when I just want to pause time so that you'll always remain a baby, the thought of you growing, having conversations, and going places with me really excite me. I can't wait to experience a lot of adventures with you. 

You have made me such a happy person. You are becoming quite the little person with so much character! Though you don't have a lot of "tricks," I can see how smart you are (no, I'm not biased!). You are so observant, always waiting to see how people would react whenever you do something new, and repeating that action just to elicit laughter. It's funny how you tilt your head to the side whenever we say "happy face," and that you sometimes clap instantly upon waking up. I love how you dance to almost any kind of music - your favorite is the background music of NHK world's weather report and the music from your toy plane. You even dance to Mozart and Beethoven! You love books, giraffes make you laugh, and you like looking at lights.

I'm happy that you're growing healthy, only having the occasional cold (the worst of which started on your birthday but you're handling it like the trooper that you are). You are such a good eater too, eating almost everything that I feed to you (except eggs). You're getting heavier by the day, and the last time I checked, you were almost 10 kilos. You have four cute teeth and you like brushing your teeth. You like it too much, in fact, that you get mad when I take the toothbrush from you. You love taking baths too! Although you're a toddler now, I still see you as a baby. Maybe because you still cling to me and ask to be carried all the time. You hate being put down in your high chair, except when you see that you're about to eat. 

Now that I think about it, I know I've had it easy the past year. Even travelling with you was relatively stress-free! I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm thankful for everything that you are, and everything that you will be. They say that the days are long but the years are short - I beg to disagree. Each day is fleeting and all I know is I will try and make the most of every day with you. I will love you always and forever, my baby boy.

9 Months!

Dear Matteo,

You turned nine months old this month. You have become so hyperactive - crawling and standing every chance you get. We're still breastfeeding, but you have grown to be such a great eater that it amazes me sometimes. You have developed your pincer grip too. The puffs helped, which I know are not very healthy but I have learned to choose my battles wisely now :D Your favorite food to eat are pancakes (which I only let you enjoy as a treat from time to time), bananas, pears, and toast. You got to taste ketchup because Emma wanted to share her fries with you, but I don't think you liked it very much judging by the face you made afterwards.

I am so happy that I get to witness your milestones. You've been learning more and more "tricks" as the days go by, waving bye, clapping your hands, giving (tentative) high fives, doing the cutest sour face ever, and even leaning your head to the side. You are becoming quite the comedian, repeating your antics whenever you see the people around you laugh. You are my and your dad's constant source of happiness. I don't think we've ever laughed so hard than when we're with you. I hope that you continue to be a happy baby boy, and I can't wait to go on adventures with you.

Fast Forward to 8 Months!

Being a first time mom is daunting and tiring! The last post I had written was when Matteo was two months old. I had a pending draft with exactly one sentence (Matteo is now 3 months old!) that I didn't get to finish. Now, Matteo just turned 8 months and I can't believe that time flew by so fast (and that I survived 8 months still without a yaya, yay me!) Oh, and it's been 6 months since I became officially unemployed, lol.

Cake smashed, yet again 😂

I really wish that I had the energy to write monthly about Matteo's milestones, but having no help and a clingy breastfeeding baby made that a bit impossible for me. I'm only getting to write this now because Matteo's taking a nap, and his naps have been getting longer for the past few days so I thought I'd give this a shot.  

Matteo has grown so much for the past few months, that I sometimes find it hard to believe that he was inside my tummy, kicking my ribs, less than a year ago. He's so active now, and crawls so fast that I have to run to catch him before he hits his head on the wall. He has learned to sit up by himself (the day he turned 7 months), and he has learned to stand assisted just last Sunday when he turned 8 months.

It's so exciting seeing him develop and grow, and I love hearing his little laugh every morning. He's so lovable and adorable, and I often wonder what I did to deserve such a cute baby boy.

And just like that, little bub has woken up from his nap, and it's now time for us to have a snack. Hope I can continue posting here from time to time :D